


against the voices

by rainstxrmkisses



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Loves Yang Jeongin | I.N, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Yang Jeongin | I.N-centric, chan best hyung, chan takes care of him, jeongin is depressed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:08:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24890581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainstxrmkisses/pseuds/rainstxrmkisses
Summary: most of the time, jeongin has good days. but with the good days come the bad ones.
Relationships: Bang Chan & Yang Jeongin | I.N, Yang Jeongin | I.N & Everyone
Comments: 3
Kudos: 214





	against the voices

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: this is basically a vent fic, and is essentially me just getting my thoughts into writing. there's implied self harm, but there's no detail of it and it's only mentioned once. in this basically jeongin is depressed and chan takes care of him.

Most of the time, Jeongin had good days. He'd get up before noon and have breakfast with Felix, before practicing a bit of vocals with Seungmin. Maybe he'd even let Hyunjin help him with choreo, or sit with Changbin while he writes. He threw himself into practice or whatever they had planned for the day, forgetting for a while that everyday wasn’t a good one.

But with the good days came the occasional bad ones. Jeongin always had an underlying feeling of emptiness, but on these days it was overwhelming. If he even got out of bed, it would be well into the afternoon. Maybe he'd trudge into the kitchen and grab some dry cereal.

But most of the time he wouldn't eat. He wouldn't even leave the room. He'd just lie in bed with the curtains drawn and the covers pulled over his head. He'd wish for the earth to open up below his bed and swallow him whole, for his life to just cease to exist.

He wasn't suicidal, of course, the managers made sure of that with the medication and weekly therapy sessions. He just wanted everything to stop. Not forever, just until he was ready. He wasn't ready. He wanted to sleep for a hundred years. Maybe more. 

The members knew that he had bad days. most of the time, they left him alone. That made Jeongin sad in a deep part of his heart, but he knew that he'd push them out anyway. The only person he allowed in on his bad days was Chan. 

The leader would quietly come into the room with a glass of water and sit on the edge of the bed. He'd gently maneuver Jeongin into a sitting position and help him drink. Jeongin never fought him, he knew it was pointless to try and stop Chan from making sure the was okay.

He just let Chan do what he wanted. Of course he never did anything himself, he didn't have the strength. but he let Chan do it for him. It was a silent agreement of sorts. Chan would make him drink a glass of water, sometimes eat as well but Chan only made him when he was ready. The water was non-negotiable. 

Chan would help him out of bed and carry him to the bathroom, and draw a bath for him. He'd bathe the younger gently, but thoroughly if he'd been in this state of empty for a while. Jeongin was long past the point of caring what Chan saw when his clothes came off. He was too tired to fight. Chan never said anything about the scratch marks, for which Jeongin was grateful. That was a conversation for another day. Jeongin didn't know if that day would ever come, but it was not today.

Jeongin would just sit in the tub while Chan bathed him, staring blankly ahead. He could always hear Chan worrying about him without the older ever speaking. It was in the sighs he made and his body language, and the way he touched Jeongin as if he might break at any moment. Jeongin supposed Chan was right about that, he did feel like he would break at the slightest thing. But not with Chan. Never with Chan.

Chan made him feel safe. Even if he didn't show it, Jeongin was so grateful for Chan. If it wasn't for the leader, he probably wouldn’t be here anymore. Jeongin wasn't sure if Chan knew how much he meant to the younger, but he hoped so. 

Chan usually would still have to go to the studio to get work done, so he'd take Jeongin with him. He'd pick up the younger and carry him like a koala all the way to the studio. Once there, he'd sit down at his desk with Jeongin in his lap. Jeongin would just sit there, face pressed into Chan’s shoulder. Sometimes Chan would play tracks he was working on for him, or bounce ideas off him. 

Once in a while, Changbin or Jisung would also be in there to work. Usually Jeongin would curl into Chan in an attempt to hide himself, and the others wouldn't push him to talk. But sometimes he'd slink over to give Chan a break, sitting snuggled in between the other two boys on the couch. Changbin would pet his hair comfortingly, and Jisung would hum softly to him. Maybe another member would come by for something or another, and Jeongin would tense and go back to hiding in Chan’s lap.

But mostly it was quiet, the only sound being the breathing from Chan and Jeongin. Jeongin actually liked that, it helped ground him. He would sync his breaths with Chan’s, and would just focus on that. He liked listening to Chan’s heartbeat as well, it reminded him of being alive.

On the days Chan took Jeongin to the studio, he would never stay as late as he does when he's alone. He'd have Jeongin home by ten, to the relief of the other members. More often than not, Jeongin would fall asleep on the way back to the dorm, allowing them all to worry over him when they got back. They'd all make sure he was in his comfy clothes before tucking him into bed. The maknae would never let them near him when he was awake, so they took every chance they could. 

One by one, they'd kiss Jeongin’s forehead and bid him goodnight, going back to their previous activities or their own rooms. Only Chan would be left. Jeongin would work himself into a panic if he woke up alone on his bad days, so Chan would sleep with him. The older would pull Jeongin into his chest, the younger subconsciously curling closer. 

Jeongin has bad days, but they don’t define him. On good days, he’d strive to be present in the moment. He tried his best to talk to his members and eat well and drink water and do all the things he couldn't on bad days. He would not let the darkness win. 


End file.
